remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
