If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
