He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
