i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
