I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
