Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
