Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
