he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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