im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
