The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
