Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
