i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
