I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We're too hungover to prance.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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