OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
