Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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