the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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