Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
