i love accidental penises.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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