I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
