I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
