i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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