I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
