also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
