it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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