He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
