Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
