I think I died a long time ago.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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