I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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