if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
