I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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