I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
