did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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