he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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