This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
