you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
