At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
