The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
