can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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