let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
