Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
