if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
