I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
