I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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