I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
