i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm like, not good at living.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
