i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
