If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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