There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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