My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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