I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
