I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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